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28 December 2008 @ 01:58 pm
The Freckled Satan  
Look what I found while I was sorting through my hard drive!

Ron, through Easily Perceivable Canonical Evidence, is a Future Death Eating, Wife Beating, No Good, Friend Cheating... Supah Stupid, Grim Fate-Meeting, Useless, Cowardly, Arse!!!

Or, Deeply Analyzed Subtextual Completely Complex and Only Such Geniuses as We Can Find It 




 The deep analysis of a book such as Harry Potter can never be achieved by mere mortals. Said mortals may think they have grasped the meaning of these holy scriptures by simply examining the facts, but the truest Harry Potter fans look beyond facts. Facts, shmacts.


 What can be concluded from facts? What does “evidence” prove? Nothing, that’s what! J.K. Rowling has brilliantly sculpted these children’s books so precisely and meticulously that every word is an underlying, expertly subtle, meandering web of hidden clues and nuances –– all hinting at what is sure to be the most important question in the history of the literature: Who Hermione likes.

There is no question that this is what J.K. Rowling has in mind whenever she chooses a punctuation mark. Every time she places Hermione’s name on a page, she is doing it in the most strategic way possible; placing it so that it appears within three lines of Harry’s name, clearly indicating that she is meant for Harry. Whereas Ron’s name may be within seven lines; blatantly proving that Hermione hates his guts.


The Trio

 Hermione is a wonderful, intelligent witch. Harry is a wonderful, powerful wizard. Ron is a cowardly, selfish butt munch. Why is it so hard for people to reach the correct conclusion? The hero gets the girl. Duh. Oh, and the best friend dies. (Yes!!!! Good riddance.)


 Obviously the trio dynamic is important. That is why Ron/Hermione can’t happen. If Hermione were to end up with Ron, what would happen to our dear Harry? He is far too emotionally delicate for such a shock. And it certainly would be a shock, seeing Hermione with that freckled Satan.


 Now, some people have claimed that a Harry/Hermione coupling would grind the Trio’s relationship into a fine powder. They claim that Harry has no romantic interest in Hermione and, even if he did, he would never do that to Ron. Well, to those people I say: do not underestimate the power of Harry’s inevitable sudden love for Hermione, once he finally finds out! When Hermione finally confesses her holy love, Harry will ultimately choose her over his best friend. And even if he doesn’t betray Ron immediately –– perhaps from guilt over the fact that he’s so much better at everything –– once Ron dies ( you know he will) it will be clear sailing!


Everything That is Inherently Wrong with Ron

We are all aware of the reasons Hermione will never end up with Ron:

He’s got red hair (unlucky)~ His name is Weasley, Hermione’s patronus is an otter, and everyone knows otters and weasels don’t go together~ Too tall~ Future wife beater~ Jealous of Harry~ Has freckles~ Owl’s name is Pig; describes Ron's eating habits~ On pg. 301 of OotP, the word “and” appears in conjuction with “Harry and Hermione” more than “Ron and Hermione”~ Because we say so~  Is ugly and annoying~ Too poor (Can’t support her)~ Broke leg in PoA, representing weakness (Harry breaking his arm in CoS means nothing)~ Likes Luna~ Is the third wheel~ Is a Death Eater, hopefully~ Is Satan~ Is mentally subnormal~ Is clinically insane~ Is sexist~ Hates Harry~ Is gonna die soon~ Is... racist? Wouldn’t put it past him~ Only thinks about Quidditch~ Hates Hermione~ Is a twisted mofo~ Because if we wish for it hard enough...


Who Needs a Trio? 

 Now, you may be under the impression that Harry and Ron are best friends, but this is WRONG! Obviously, JK Rowling wants us to think a supreme being like Harry would need someone like Ron. This is an attempt to make Harry look "human."

 However, this is just a facade. We know Rowling likes to pull tricks like this: you have to know where to look. And that would be in between the lines; in between the words. The punctuation is where the story is!

So what trick is Rowling playing at? Well, for the trained eye, it's only a matter of time before it is revealed that Harry is not human, but in fact a god. 


Why Harry Potter is a God

 For starters, there's the lightning bolt scar. Need I explain the connection to Zeus? All gods have something in common with the thunderbolt. In many civilizations, the water/earth was the goddess and the sky was the god. What comes from the sky? Lightning bolts. Since Harry is obviously the God of Lightning, by default, Hermione is the Earth Goddess. This makes sense when you consider the fact that Hermione is a Virgo, which is an earth sign. 


In Conclusion

 Meticulous scientific investigation has concluded that if you soak a paperback edition of Chamber of Secrets in a bowl of pea soup for 14 hours, and then tear out the first five pages, you will see the letters: I AM HORROR LIE! HAVE SNOTLY! Which, when rearranged, spell the sentence: HERMIONE LOVES HARRY A LOT!!

Current State of Mind: amusedamused
Current Music: Ben Folds
smileysweetiesmileysweetie on December 29th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC)
laurel_potter: Jo's fanlaurel_potter on December 29th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC)
Is that an old post of yours? It's obviously done facetiously.
Freckled Satan High Priestess: Freckle markhippie_girl8 on December 29th, 2008 05:59 am (UTC)
It was something I wrote waaay back in the day for the HMS Toastkiller forum on FictionAlley Park.
laurel_potter: Jo's fanlaurel_potter on December 29th, 2008 05:43 am (UTC)
Oh, and I forgot to say -- some people still believe most of that.
Red Monster: Jo Called!redmonster on December 29th, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
Ah, the "I AM HORROR LIE" essay--a classic!
Edward Cullen is a V.I.L.F!!!the_vixxmeister on January 3rd, 2009 01:00 pm (UTC)
Oh genius, sweet genius. :D
gabzillaz: Neville is awesomegabzillaz on January 14th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)